Pretty much every PG-13 rated movie these days will have a sex scene in it somewhere. While plenty of them may be believable, sweet, and romantic, there are so many that make you go “wait, what?” if you actually thought about how it would play out in real life. Here are some sex scenes that may work out for the main characters of a book or movie, but definitely won’t do so well in real life.
1. Sex in a very, very public place.
Think Jason Statham and Amy Smart in Crank. In order to keep his heart rate going, Jason’s character bends his girlfriend over in public, right in the middle of Chinatown, and starts going at it. The crowd goes wild, cheering and applauding this display. In real life, you aren’t going to be cheered on. You’re going to have people taking cell-phone videos of you, and then you’re going to have the cops arresting you.
2. Sex while he’s driving.
Seriously, why would anyone ever think that this is a good idea? It’s happened in multiple books and movies, though, including The Chase, starring Charlie Sheen. Seriously, ladies, do not try this at home (or, more accurately, on the road). It’s just going to end up with a car accident and a lot of pain. I once kissed a guy while he was driving, and he almost ran us off the road. Can you imagine the results of sex while driving? Hanky panky when one of you is behind the wheel isn’t fun; it’s irresponsible and downright dangerous.
3. Sleeping with your best friend’s son.
What were the women in Adore thinking, sleeping with each other’s sons? Can you imagine the sexual tension that would be present at all family gatherings after that? And the strain this puts on the friendship when one of you breaks the other’s son’s heart? Or when you walk in on your son doing it with your BFF? This has to be against the girl code. We’d venture to add that this rule goes the other way too: no sleeping with your BFF’s dad, either. Because (1) ick, and (2) awkward!
4. Sex while standing up.
Very commonly done in Hollywood (8 Mile, Jerry Macguire, etc.), a man and a woman having sex while standing is portrayed as sensual, romantic, and effortless. Sure, it can be sensual and romantic, but effortless? Yeah, right! Have you ever tried to have sex while standing? If you have, you’ve probably never tried again. How can you even thrust in this position? It’s gonna be way too tiring and someone’s legs are going to give out. It’s especially difficult when there’s a large height difference between you and your guy. Nice try, Hollywood.
5. Sex in the shower.
Again, those who have actually attempted this know better than to think it’s as easy as in the movies. Done in just about every romantic novel or movie (The Longest Ride, for one, both the book and the movie), in reality it’s wet, slippery, and dangerous. The likelihood of injury is just too high. And trust us, it stops being sexy when you’re struggling to breathe because of the full blast of water in your face. Go ahead and enjoy a nice, steamy shower together—but save the actual intercourse for afterwards.
6. Sex while almost fully clothed.
Sometimes, a quickie is all we want, and in these cases, all of our clothes magically seem to get out of the way. But a lot of movies have long, drawn out sex scenes where both parties remain almost entirely clothed. How does that work? How is it possibly to get the full range of motion required for a good love-making session when you’re wearing skinny jeans up to your thighs? And doesn’t it just add friction, which could result in chafing?
7. Sex on the beach.
If you thought waxing down there was painful, just wait until you’ve got sand in your lady bits and sand-burn all over your thighs. And let’s not even talk about sand fleas and other creepy crawlies. I’m pretty sure sand is going to get in unpleasant places no matter how many towels you are lying on. Plus, I can’t think of a single beach in the entire Philippines that is isolated enough for this to not turn into a public (s)exhibition as well.
8. Sex in the bathroom.
Maybe someone can explain this to me, but I just don’t get it. Where do you do it, while he’s sitting on the toilet? Talk about a mood killer—not to mention a dubious hygienic practice. But I can’t think of anywhere else to pull this off, except maybe sitting on the edge of a tub, which doesn’t seem stable, or the sink, which I’m pretty sure would break with my luck.
9. Spontaneous sex.
Unplanned sex is a real and hot thing; what I’m talking about is scenes in movies where all of a sudden they just start going at it, hard, with no foreplay or anything. In my experience, at least a bit of foreplay is necessary in order to get things going physically, so when the couple in a movie goes from talking one moment to full-on rough sex in the next, I find it hard to believe. Why? I’m not wondering “where’s the love?” (okay, maybe I am a little). I’m wondering, “how is there lubrication?”
10. Outdoor sex.
This is actually something a bit more realistic than some things on this list (it may even be a personal fantasy *cough*), but how it happens in movies isn’t so realistic. In the movies, it’s nothing but romantic love-making under the stars, with no aftermath. In real life, we’re going to have bug bites on our bottoms, grass-stained clothes, and we’ll be pulling leaves and ants out of our hair for days. And if you attempt this during monsoon season, well, if you thought sand in your lady bits was nasty, take a moment to imagine how mud would feel.
As with the grandest of romantic gestures, some things are just best left to Hollywood (or to romance novelists). Let your imagination run wild, but make sure to check if something is sensible in real life before actually attempting it.