This year marks my 31st year. I’m a proud and happy member of the No-Boyfriend-Since-Birth/Single-Since-Birth Clubs, but, as I mentioned in my previous post, accepting singlehood didn’t come easy for me.
For one, there’s this social stigma that comes with being single. My relatives were afraid that I’d be a matandang dalaga, the Pinoy version of the crazy cat lady who lived alone. For my more conservative titas, nothing could be more dreadful for a woman than to live alone without her own family.
On a more personal standpoint, I felt that I was ugly and not worthy of being loved. How come my friends were getting engaged a couple of years after college when I couldn’t even get a boyfriend?
“Don’t you feel lonely sometimes?”some well-meaning relatives would ask. Of course I do. It would be nice to experience having someone beside you at all times, to be adored and to be loved, and to experience sex with someone who fully loves and accepts you for who you are. There are times when I’m feeling extremely hormonal and I would see my friends’ husband casually hold my kabarkada‘s hand, and I wonder how it’s like to have someone just reach out to you on instinct, to be loved and needed like that. I feel sadness and envy, and I sometimes can’t help but feel I wish I had that kind of relationship too.
But then, I’ve come to realize that love isn’t something to be rushed or forced. Believe me when I say that I’ve made so many mistakes in the past, and most of them were based on the assumption that I can just casually date someone and feel The One True Love that I have always hoped for.
“Don’t you want to have your own family?” is another persistent and insensitive question that gets thrown to my face based on my seemingly incredulous relationship status. I dream of being a mom and having my own family someday, but I just can’t do that with any man out there. With all the heartaches I’ve gone through, I have come to know my worth and the love I deserve. Yes, I feel sad sometimes. Yes, I would like to have my own man and my own family sometimes, but I believe that I’ll have them at the right time. For now, I’d have to deal with bouts of sadness one day at a time, but I’d rather have that and be stronger and better afterward, than rush into a relationship with the wrong man. After all, good things come to those who wait.