Ahhh, Christmas. It’s that time of the year when titas, cousins, friends from elementary school, and other mostly well-meaning but slightly passive-aggressive people gather at your house to comment on important global issues, such as your weight gain, your post-pubescent acne, and—most especially—your lack of a boyfriend.
But never fear, we’re here to give you five comebacks that can make any Tita of Manila clutch at their pearls, hide behind their pamaypays, and leave you alone to enjoy the lechon for the rest of the night in peace.
Q: Oh my gosh. Single ka pa rin? Bakit?
A: I’m not sure nga rin eh. Tsaka ikaw pa ‘yung may jowa. Akalain mo ‘yun.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said that no one can make you feel inferior without your permission. But you most definitely don’t need anyone’s permission to give someone a taste of their own medicine.
Q: Hija, you’re still single? But why?
A: Because, tita, I’m a feminist.
This is a perfectly reasonably answer to certain people. Because obviously, feminists are hairy, bra-burning, man-hating bitches who despise any form of romance. (Spoiler alert: we aren’t.) So that ought to get them scampering off to other Titas to report your deviant lifestyle.
Q: Why are you still single?
A: I don’t know… But you know who else told me he was single last night? Your boyfriend.
Follow up by handing them some aloe vera, ‘cause gurl, you just got buuuurned.
Q: Why don’t you have a boyfriend?
A: Who needs a boyfriend when there’s porn?
Ahh, porn. People like watching it, but they don’t like talking about it at Christmas dinner parties or family reunions, where a santo nino on an altar is probably judging them from afar. This comeback can ensure that said person will probably switch to other more relevant questions, such as “May leche flan pa ba?”
Q: When are you going to find a boyfriend?
A: I don’t have time to find a boyfriend because I’m too busy coming up with passive-aggressive comebacks for passive-aggressive comments like yours.
Sometimes, you just got to tell it like it is.
So there, hope we gave you enough ammo to face the numerous Christmas parties and reunions lined up for you this holiday season. Good luck!