If a year ago you told me I’d resort to a dating app to meet people, I would’ve laughed in your face and maybe hated you a little bit for even suggesting I needed it. But here I am, in 2017, with very few options, and no longer laughing nor hating.
In fact, I now consider dating apps a legitimate way to expand my social horizon and venture into the sweet unknown. With enough luck, you might just swipe your way into a promising hint of a relationship, as far as online relationships go.
I’d consider myself a realistic person. I went into the world of online dating armed with low expectations and a high tolerance for dubious behavior. But in my eight months as a Tinder and OkCupid user, some things still managed to surprise me.
It’s inevitable. When relying on a dating app for romantic fulfillment, you will be subject to all sorts of ‘prospects’. Some good, some cringey, others downright bad.
Here are the kinds of Filipino guys I’ve had the fortune of encountering on Tinder and OkCupid:
The Unassuming Guy
“Hi ma’am, pwede pong makipagkilala? Okay, din lang po kung hindi.”
I know I’m supposed to be touched by the display of ‘humility’, but last time I checked, I’m looking for a date, not a subordinate.
The Philosophical Guy
*says some pretentious, thought-provoking idea that’s supposed to be connected to my bio*
Okay, fine. They’re not all pretentious. But excuse the jaded part of me for thinking guys go on dating apps for one sole purpose: to get in the girls’ pants. So, cut the pretense, and cut to the chase. Besides, a whole paragraph about the human existence isn’t going to make your profile pic any less douchey.
The Only-Here-for-Sex Guy
I know I said to cut to the chase, but I’d still appreciate some measure of finesse. It’s one thing to be straightforward about your intentions; it’s another to be crass.
The Apologetic Guy
“Sorry po sa abala. Pwede pong makipagkaibigan? Gusto ko lang po kayong makilala. Sorry po ulit.”
Seriously, since when did guys in the digital age think faux-courteousness is attractive?
The Overconfident Guy
“I’m cute. You’re cute. Let’s meet up?”
I guess in the high school social hierarchy; these would make up the jocks. Expect post-workout pics and words like “swole” in their bio. There’s, however, a fine line between confidence and a bloated ego. And based on experience, it’s rare to come upon guys on Tinder or OkCupid with a warranted level of confidence.
The “Boring” Type
“Trabaho, kain, tulog. Games onti. Yun lang.”
I get it, I’m a homebody myself. Only joy can be found in five-hour naps, but I don’t brandish in your face that a snooze is all I’m good for or that I’m “boring AF LOL”. In the spirit of setting expectations, this can be taken in a good light, I guess.
The “Here for Marriage” Guy
“Not into hookups or fubus. I’m looking for a serious relationship and a woman I can settle down with.”
Sorry to break it to you buddy, but she ain’t on Tinder or OkCupid.
The “Simple” Guy
We all know this type, the one who’s come up with one word to describe themselves for a dating app bio: simple.
The “Mysterious” Guy
“I don’t really know what to put here. Just ask.”
No, thanks. *swipes left*
The Deep, Indie Guy
The pic is typically of him playing a guitar with an artsy filter, face barely decipherable. Bio reads, “We’re all just lost stars.”
The Old Man
Bio says 38; actual age is 60. I have nothing against older guys looking for companionship on the Internet, but here’s what I ask: post your real age, pick someone within that age range, and don’t post pics of your kids at least?
If I go on, the list won’t end. Now, this is not to reduce men into just “types”. If anything, my observation has shown me a thing or two about the different personas in which men present themselves on online dating platforms.
These may be an accurate reflection of their real lives – or they could be the opposite. It’s the internet, so there’s no way to know. To quote that indie guy, we’re all just lost stars – riding the motions and finding our places in each other.
For all its horrors, Tinder has at least taught me that.
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When she's not writing, Tazeana spends her day YouTubing cat and dog videos and daydreaming about Jollibee fried chicken.