If you’re looking for love, this could well be because you haven’t found the right guy yet. But when the search drags long, you may want to consider if the way you’re looking for that special someone is one that truly opens you to the possibility of finding a love that’s true and enduring.
Here are a few things you may need to reassess:
1. Surface-Level Specs and Requirements
Do you feel like a guy you’d consider for a relationship or even just to date needs to be a certain height or have a certain look? Yes, you could have a physical type that just plain does it for you on the attraction scale, but don’t discount a potential partner just because he doesn’t match up with this. At the end of the day, “tall, dark and handsome” doesn’t count for as much as “sweet, funny and caring” does.
2. First-Move Allergies
A lot of women are afraid to go for what they want in a relationship. Or maybe they just don’t want to do it. The problem is, sometimes when you don’t push for something, you just plain don’t get it. This could be for a number of reasons. Maybe the guy is a torpe or has been burned too many times and is gun shy as a result. But think about it this way: when you want something at work, like a promotion or raise, do you just gaze out longingly and hope it will come to you? Of course not. This is true for many things in life, and it’s often true in the dating world as well. After all, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
3. “Moment” Obsession
Too many women I know have let love pass them by because they waited for that Big Moment that told them that the guy could be the one—or have experienced heartbreak because the guy who gave them that Big Moment turned out to be insincere. But after being with the same guy for over a decade, I’ve found that love sometimes lives in the small things rather than those big moments. When you know yourself and know your lover, it doesn’t take “I love you” spelled out in flower petals on a moonlit beach to understand your feelings for each other, and it certainly doesn’t take a magic carpet ride. Just the way he gives you space when you need to stew, the way he refills your coffee cup when you’re working against a deadline, or the way he texts or calls you first thing in the morning and last thing at night—those things often count for more than the theatrical proposals or epic meet cutes.
4. Manhater Tendencies
Maybe you’ve been burned before. Maybe you’re just feeling cynical. But when you profess all men hopeless loudly enough and often enough, sometimes the shyer, sweeter guys who’ll actually have a care for your heart may be scared off. It’s not that they don’t think you’re a great person. It may simply be that they don’t think you’re looking for a relationship or they don’t think they’re the right person to change your mind about men. So they stay away. And sadly sometimes the guys who don’t stay away are the ones insensitive enough to not care about your negative opinions of their sex.
5. Venue Fixation (or Dismissal)
Yes, Rihanna supposedly “found love in a hopeless place,” but let’s be real: there are certain places that are more conducive to real human connections than others. For example, clubs may be more conducive to short-term hookups than long-lasting relationships. Still, that doesn’t mean that you should dismiss a guy just because you met him someplace you don’t think makes for relationship material. And that includes the guys you meet online and half a world away. One Modern Filipina blogger recently shared her own love story, which involved a long-distance relationship with someone she met online and eventually moved to another country for! Just remember that, as with dating in person, there are dos and don’ts for online dating.
6. Love at First Sight
Sometimes the guy you instantly feel that “click” of attraction to or connection with turns out to be a douchebag. And sometimes the guy you’ve friendzoned for years could be the secret prince who’s been waiting to sweep you off your feet all this time. Yes, there are stories of love—or at least lust—at first sight, of instant attraction that deepens into something lasting and satisfying. But these are much more rare than you might think. So if you decide not to a guy a chance because you don’t click with him instantly, you might just find later that you’ve rejected your perfect match.
7. Plastic Mystique
There’s something to be said for presenting the best side of yourself to the world and learning to let your inner beauty shine so people on the outside can see it too. But it’s entirely different if you think you have to be someone you aren’t just to attract a man. For one thing, this deception will be found out eventually, and it probably won’t end well. But more importantly, do you really want a man who wants you to be anything but who you really are?
8. Reading Is Believing
We’re huge lovers of romance novels and rom-com flicks here at Modern Filipina. But remember that fiction is fiction, so don’t expect love to be just like the movies or the books you’ve been reading. Many of these end with the beginning of a relationship (that moment when two people decide to be together instead of apart) rather than focusing on the reality of a relationship, which can be much more mundane and challenging, but which is ultimately more rewarding. We often hear guys complaining about the unrealistic expectations of the women they meet, and sadly, romance novels are partially to blame for this. Instead of focusing on what you think love should be like, based on what you’ve read or seen, focus on the person you’re interacting with. Love, in the end, is all about making a real emotional connection with another person and having him reciprocate that.
At the end of the day, the key is to be yourself and be true to yourself. Love isn’t something you plunge into headfirst without any care or notion of what’s going on around you; true love helps you ground yourself and makes you more aware of the world, of the time you have in it, and of the one person you’ll want to spend the hugest chunk of that time with. It won’t be easy. The truth is, happily ever after is the stuff of fairy tales, while real couples know that happiness is a choice and an effort you make every single day you’re with your significant other. When you understand that, you may just find you won’t need to look for love—it won’t just find you, it’ll be all around you, in so many different forms.